Doubt

I have been busy in my spare moments completing my taxes. I love this time of year and the ever present panic that hits my senses as I try to muddle through it.

There is this potential dread that I will have to pay extraordinary amounts of money to the federal government. It really doesn’t matter how much I plan and how much I believe things will be cool, there is this moment of uncertainty.

What will happen once I get to the bottom line? Will the bottom line be scary or exciting or just so so? And no matter how much I tell myself “don’t worry, be happy,” I just can’t help myself; at least, to be a little concerned.

My real issue with tax time is my inability to trust myself. I don’t think my financial skills are that impressive so the doubt is fairly normal. After all, I have made mistakes in the past.

Doubt… that ugly animal that can keep us from deeper relationships with others; that can hamper our relationship with God; and ultimately can cause us to wonder about who we are and what we can do.

I doubt myself. And, its not just in the area of finances. It involves even places where I have gifts and abilities. Why does this happen?

I think it is because there is always this inner struggle to really believe, fully believe that I am worth it. I mean it isn’t hard for me to believe that God is real.

But, it is really hard at times to imagine that I am real, that God made me just the way I am on purpose for a real purpose.

What if I fail? He still thinks I am worth it. What if I can’t get it done? He still thinks I am worth it. ¬†What if I am not good enough? He still thinks I am worth it.

I guess I am learning that my doubt is really not focused on God but is focused on me. But, here is the real insight: The way to eliminate my doubt about me is to up my belief in Him!

That is the true essence of faith I think. Focusing so much on God that it eliminates the stuff that isn’t God. Something to ponder as I finish my taxes.

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